What’s Good? – Kevin Francey Writes

So today I want to talk about Amazon. The company, not the rainforest. If I wanted to talk about the rainforest, that would make me a Communist. For those who are unaware, Amazon.com is an e-commerce business which offers a convenience that is difficult to deny. Much like climate change in an alternate, better, yet still less than perfect universe. But I digress.

Our Amazon started as an online book retailer, selling novels whether they were erotic or not. The company progressively evolved to become a shopping resource for nearly any type of consumer. Whether it be a shut-in who wants to get their agoraphobia medication delivered without contact, a local organizer looking to buy pamphlets in bulk, or even an Amazon employee who needs lunch or a large bottle to use during work, it’s all at our collective fingertips.

Given the sheer breadth of their offering, Amazon provides a neat little feature which makes it simple to keep track of your deepest shopping desires. Customers can create lists for things they need in the future, allowing them to return at a later date to make purchases if they can. Amazon also has the technological savvy to send emails to their subscribers with suggestions for other items the customer might enjoy. The implication here is that Amazon’s tech is sophisticated enough to present suitable options to their customers based on past behavior by that customer and others, such as previous purchases, products viewed, and even search history.

So why in the fuck am I getting emails from Amazon with suggestions for “some items we think you might like” that are literally items on my wish list?! That’s like a real estate agent scouring the Section 8 affordable housing wait list only to find a homeless person, and then going up to that person at not their home and being like, “Hey, here’s a roof over your head I think you might like.” Like, no shit I might like that item Amazon. That’s why I put it on the fucking list. A list I made to fuel my shopping addiction, which replaced my alcohol dependency, which drowned my feelings of crippling inadequacy, financial or otherwise.

Now, some of you might be thinking, “Well, erotic novelist Kevin Francey, why don’t you just unsubscribe from that mailing list?” To which I would say, but then how would I fuel my shopping addiction?!

The more discerning folks might also be thinking, “Well, erotic novelist Kevin Francey, that real estate agent analogy was less than perfect.” To which I would say that my hypothetical real estate agent, being unscrupulous enough to bribe their way into a peek at the Section 8 wait list, would also cross-reference that list with active Amazon Prime membership. Because there are homeless people out there with active Prime memberships, and what better endorsement can I give to an e-commerce company than its ability to ship to those who don’t even have a home address!

DISCLAIMER:The opinions herein are those of erotic novelist Kevin Francey alone. He has an active Amazon Prime membership. It’s partially subsidized.

Today, I would like to recommend Pluto TV. It is a completely free streaming service which is almost a facsimile of the traditional cable experience. Naturally, the catch is that you’re going to be watching ads. I just mute that shit because that’s how I beat the system. But for those less inclined to do so, you’ll get targeted ads that are personally relevant to you and the person hacking your device.

Pluto is currently running a promotion for their “Popcorn Summer Movies” assortment of, you guessed it, summer popcorn movies. All month long they will offer many classics, be it comedy, horror, westerns, etc. If movies don’t befit your mood, they have plenty of television to choose from as well. In fact, one of my favorite parts of the app is its inclusion of channels that run a 24/7 loop of popular television programs. They do the same for movies, whether it be based on a theme, like 80s Rewind, or even a long running movie franchise. It should come as no surprise that I’m partial to the James Bond channel when it’s offered.

The advantage of a streaming service like Pluto is that it’s perfect for when you’re doing something more important and you just want some noise in the background. With other streaming services, you have to painstakingly choose the movie or show that you won’t pay much attention to anyway, but with Pluto you can pick a channel and get on with your life. Save the attentive viewing for the legitimate planets of the streaming world.