The singularity with which this rally will determine the election is pretty disturbing. Though a picture is worth a thousand words, some pictures are worth a thousand times more than that. Streaks of blood, an American flag, and a fist pump of vitality amid a throng of tightly packed suits will be more than enough to make former president Trump only the second person ever to hold the office for non-consecutive terms. More notably, Donald has now joined me in a similarly sparse group of people who have survived an assassination attempt. Mine wasn’t so… snug in the aftermath, but it is rarified air for the both of us either way. I’m probably just going to vote myself for president this year because this race has effectively ended.
[Source: PaintNotebook3_PoliticsByNumber]
[Editor’s Note: This was actually a false flag shooting by a Trump lover looking to die for their personal savior. The shooter clipped the former president with a love tap, enough to galvanize the base and sway the undecided voters in the name of decency. The attempt was deliberate in its failure, the missed shot hit its target, and the Republican strategists just hawked a loogie on their opposite numbers in the White House. May God have mercy on our souls.]
UPDATE 7/22: Naturally, we’ve gotten quite a bit of information rolling in on from a variety of sources in the intervening week. Please forgive our dear editor. He’s an idiot, and prone to unfounded knee-jerk reactions. But he’s our idiot prone to unfounded knee-jerk reactions and we love him, so we keep him around. The poor guy thinks even the phrase conspiracy theory is a conspiracy.
But he was right about one thing. The attempt on Trump’s life will galvanize the base and sway undecided voters, in the name of decency. And thus, ironically for the shooter, the failed assassination has guaranteed The Donald will be president once more. It will be viewed by history as the singular blow that crippled Biden’s reelection campaign and ushered former president Trump into the office he couldn’t win even as the incumbent only four years prior.
So, come Election Day, I’ll vote for Vice President Harris, sure; but mostly because that will mean I’ve voted a woman for president more times than a man, which basically makes me a feminist. Well, that and my dainty hands. Matter of fact, the next time someone tries to kill me, they’d probably be better off doing it in an obnoxious James-Bondian way. They could lock me in a room where the only exit is a hand scanner that is programmed to my fingerprints but is juuuuuust a bit too big for me to reach all five fingers at the same time. That way I can ruminate on my small hands until I die from a lack of water … and fingertip length, obviously.
UP TO DATE 11/12: Yeah, I was wrong. It was the economy. Maybe a tinge of sexism, however unconscious.